Management

• by helicopter: get down, make lot of noise, get away fast
• by champignon: leave everything in the dark, throw manure, cut the heads that stick out
• by Robinson: everyone waits for Friday
• by Ping-Pong: kick back and back till the task is gone
• by daisy: decisions made as: shall I, shall I not..
• by Herodes: intensive search for potential successor, then liquidate him
• by Men: No clue, but let's start
• by Women: No clue neither, but let's talk about it
• by Moses: send everyone in the desert and wait for a wonder
• by Titanic: perfect plan, still sunk
• by Babysitter: top priority where is the most noise
• by onion: just cry

• by Volleyball: if a tasks comes, kick it back. Best when kicked to the other team. If not possible, kick to someone in your own team. Best kick if it gets down with the other team. Avoid to have it fell down with your team, absolutely avoid that it falls down with you. (c) Johannes

1 Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4 . Then analyze the situation:

• If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
• If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
• If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
• If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
• If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
• If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
• If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
• If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
• If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
• If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
• If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
• If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
• Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

1. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
2. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
3. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
4. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
5. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
6. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
7. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
8. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses."
9. You actually believe this explanation
10. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late
11. You can spell "paradigm."
12. You actually know what a paradigm is.
13. You can use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
14. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
15. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
16. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line".
17. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
18. You give constructive feedback to your cat.
19. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
21. You refer to dating as test marketing.
22. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk costs."
23. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
24. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
25. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
26. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know.
27. You understand your airline's fare structure.
28. You open Powerpoint to note your secretary's private phone number
29. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
30. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
31. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
32. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
33. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, b!?@!"
34. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
35. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
36. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
37. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
38. You don't set your alarm anymore cause you know the pager will go off before the alarm does.
39. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
40. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
41. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail.

The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

The first to reply are the Africans, but they have one question: what is food?

The second are the Americans. They do not like the idea to be second, and have a question: what are "other countries"?

The European children do not understand the word "shortage", the South Americans the word "Please".

The last ones to answer are the Chinese. They would like to participate, but somewhat reluctant because they do not understand what means "own opinion".

1. Purchase another whip
2. Changing riders
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses
5. Explain that “we were always riding dead horses”
6. Arranging for a group training session on how to ride dead horses
7. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included
8. Reclassifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'
9. Do a benchmark study on dead horses
10. Create a task force to make the horse alive
11. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse
12. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed
13. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance
14. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance
15. Establish a turnaround plan including the use of dead horses to achieve cost cutting targets
16. Hire a consultant to look for a new use of a dead horse
17. Invest in new software that makes dead horses ride faster
18. Start a marketing campaign that our horse is “better, faster and cheaper” dead 
19. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the mission of the organization than do some other horses
20. Create a new cost center for dead horses
21. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses...

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that.  I went and spent it already." "OK, then, just unload the donkey." "Whatya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can.  Watch me.  I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back!"

The boy grew up to be a senior executive at ENRON.

Feudalistic Farmer:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Socialist Farmer:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

Republican Farmer:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

Democrat Farmer:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

Capitalistic Farmer:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Communist Farmer:
You have two cows. You must take care of them, the government seizes both and provides you with milk.

Fascist Farmer: You have two cows. The government seizes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

Surrealistic Farmer:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Democratic Farmer, American Style:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

Bureaucratic Farmer, American Style:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

An American Farmer:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. You hire a consultant to find our why the cow dropped dead.

A Lean International Farmer:
You have two cows. You sell one to reduce your capital charge, decontent the other from all the meat and force it to produce milk for three cows. You claim your increased quality as a reason for a price increase. If no one buys, you pay an incentive. If you are short of money, you book the incentive against the warranty accrual.

A French Farmer:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A Japanese Farmer:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' that you market worldwide.

A German Farmer:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

An Italian Farmer:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A Russian Farmer:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Mexican Farmer:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A Swiss Farmer:
You have 5,000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A Brazilian Farmer:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

A British Farmer:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

An Indian Farmer:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A Chinese Farmer:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

A Serbian Farmer:
Your farm had two cows, both were stolen during the war. They are still in your books and you have to pay taxes for them. During privatization you could sell them to an investment fond from Cyprus. Now you import milk from Cyprus at world market prices and sell them for double the money to the EU. This brings you a profit of 5000 € annually. You build an administrative headquarter for your milk business worth 5 million Euro.

A Montenegrin Farmer:
You had tow cows. Five years ago you forgot about them and they died of hunger. Now you claim EU subsidies for the milk for the last five years. You do not get it, but use the proceeds to buy a motorcycle for your three-year old son.

A Taliban:
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.

Enron Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

An Iraqi Farmer:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out  of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are  part of Democracy....

An Australian Farmer:
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A New Zealand Farmer:
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25-pound flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100 percent profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of 100 formerly unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story on the internet, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

If you bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.

If you bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

You see a gorgeous woman at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's direct marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous woman. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's advertising.

You see a gorgeous woman at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's public relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's brand recognition.