Jokes about Finance Issues
How to properly place new employees
1 Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4 . Then analyze the situation:
You've been in Corporate Life too long when...
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
The UNO does a study amid children of the whole world. Question: "Please
give your own opinion on the shortage of food in other countries".
The first to reply are the Africans, but they have one question: what is food?
The second are the Americans. They do not like the idea to be second, and have a question: what are "other countries"?
The European children do not understand the word "shortage", the South Americans the word "Please".
The last ones to answer are the Chinese. They would like to participate, but somewhat reluctant because they do not understand what means "own opinion".
The tribal wisdoms of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in many companies as well as in the UN and NGO community a range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
|A city boy moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer
for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then, just unload the donkey." "Whatya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back!"
The boy grew up to be a senior executive at ENRON.
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
Fascist Farmer: You have two cows. The government seizes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
Democratic Farmer, American Style:
Bureaucratic Farmer, American Style:
An American Farmer:
A Lean International Farmer:
A French Farmer:
A Japanese Farmer:
A German Farmer:
An Italian Farmer:
A Russian Farmer:
A Mexican Farmer:
A Swiss Farmer:
A Brazilian Farmer:
A British Farmer:
An Indian Farmer:
A Chinese Farmer:
A Serbian Farmer:
A Montenegrin Farmer:
An Australian Farmer:
A New Zealand Farmer:
|An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor.
The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section:
floors, sweeping, and cleaning). After the test, the manager says,
"You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have
your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell
you where to report for work on your first day." Taken aback, the man
protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the
MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't
exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25-pound flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100 percent profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of 100 formerly unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
Moral of this story:
If you bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.
If you bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
|A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing,
he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybodyit was
so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a
priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
|A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but
I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
|Finally, a definition of marketing that makes sense:
You see a gorgeous woman at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's direct marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous woman. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's advertising.
You see a gorgeous woman at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's public relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's brand recognition.